Greetings beautiful people,

I have been reflecting a lot on family what it is, what it isn’t, what it could be and what it shouldn’t be. Every family household is entirely different, although my best friend Margeaux growing up as an only child like me, she experienced life in a whole other way. And like my friend who was cool with their father but was being raised by a different man and I could never tell you if it was better for them or not.

One thing about me is that I secretly love and admire fathers in their children’s lives. Something I envy something I longed for. When a man fathers their child/ren and it is the “best thing” that has happened to them, so they say gives me chills. It reminds me that children NEVER asked to be here and that it is the parents’ responsibility to care for them and raise them up. Something that really grinds my gears is when a mother keeps the father away even though he is trying to be in the child’s life, but don’t get me wrong, you have to protect that child so if a parent seems unstable then take reasonable precaution.

As a young woman that grew up without a father, I have learned some good and bad things about love and relationships. Even though life is all about trial and error… most errors could have been avoided by understanding other’s lessons that they have learned and experienced along the way.

As a recap, I have been married and now divorced, I have been single most of my life, I am single now, and grew up with very little to no male presence in the home. The top five relationships that I model after are Barack and Michelle, Cliff and Claire Huxtable, ok maybe not five… shoot… that sucks… and those are pretty much fantasy… But if you have followed for awhile then you know about my cry for father and daughters…

Lessons on Love my Absent Father Taught Me

1. Don’t punish other men for my mistakes… As much I hate to talk about this, this needs to be talked about. I could literally be single the rest of my life because a man like my father and others are out there pretty much, abandoning women they have had children with. I know of a woman who had a child with a man that never wanted to be with her and the mother never remarried or even dated, she didn’t want to bring another man in the house for many reasons but who really felt the absence, the mother or the child?
2. Marry/Date someone better than me… My aunt actually taught me this, she told me to marry a may that was better than my father and I said, my father was never there… she said exactly! So then I married a man that was there… but only physically… (So make sure you jump a few levels up) which brings me to my next point…
3. Choose someone that can be mentally, emotionally, physically, financially & spiritually present… first of all anyone can have a baby and there is plenty of proof out there and probably in your family. But what it really comes down to, can they be mentally there, mental illness is real and is hereditary. Can they emotionally be there, can they love and sacrifice and suffer a long time? When talking about physically, can they touch you in a way that takes you to a different world, can they be there for the children by picking them up, asking them deep questions about their day and well-being? Can they financially provide, are they going to think of money as the end all be all? Are they going to look at money as power and not want to give it up for the sake of the family? Can they be there spiritually? Can they guide you and the family, can they pray for you? Do they care about your well-being on a level that food and money cannot reach?
4. Love goes beyond fault, so I messed up, you messed up, can we work together to find a solution? Will they always point out the faults? If so, then this will never work.
5. Be open to rejection, one of the biggest lessons ever… I reached out to my father my junior year of high school, no reply, I reached out right before I graduated high school and a huge letter of rejection came in a reply. At that time I was not prepared for rejection. But later in life, I was able to accept rejection as protection. I learned that when guys or girls don’t reject you when they wanted to then soon you will feel more pain. So when I am rejected, I know that I am being protected from many heartbreaks and I am ok with that.
6. Be sure to acknowledge those that came in my place, at this time, I want to give a shout out to the few men that stepped into a fatherly role without even being asked, although for a season, you all have made an impact and I acknowledge and thank you for that. Many times God will send people to fill spots in your life to get over some things that come your way and I am thankful for that.

Although, it would have been beautiful to have a father for father-daughter dances or to celebrate during Father’s day instead of being angry or a father to tell you how men really think so that you don’t have to experience it first hand or a father to be there so that your future ex-husband thinks that you have father issues or to think that you are are searching for a man to fill that role as a father figure in your life… it would have been nice…

But now that I am a certain age + life experiences, has shaped me to be this young vibrant thang making the most out of her life and not blaming the present on the past. I will not allow the absence of my father to affect negatively my future relationships with men.

Are you a woman or man that had an absent parent growing up? How did that affect you? How did that help you? What are some things you wish were different? What are the lessons you learned shape your future outcome? Be sure to comment or even email me @ info@bougieblackblogger.com.

Peace and Blessings,
CicelyRenee

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