#SelfLove #ProME #Selflove101
Hey beautiful people!
I have noticed that people tend to get so upset when you do not live up to their standards. They get mad at you for not doing what they want or expected of you and that is wrong on so many levels. They look at you to fit a certain role at any moment no matter what the circumstance. They don’t ask why aren’t you doing it. They ask when can you do it. I am so over the standards that people put on me and others.
I remember growing up where being angry and mad were for dogs and that I couldn’t be or feel the rage inside of me. I grew up believing that I had to act a certain way, do certain things as young lady and because I was black. People of all backgrounds would discount the feelings I had because of the way they perceived me to be.
I remember being told, “I can’t wait till you praise a certain way or pray a certain way” because of the role I had as a minister’s wife. I remember being told that, “Because you are a leader, you cannot go in the prayer line because we don’t want to be seen as weak.”
I remember being told, “You speak well” or “Why do you speak like that?”
I remember losing my name to take on an identity that didn’t improve who I was and stripped me of my being.
I remember losing my security and faith in someone that was supposed to love me for better or for worse.
I remember giving people my last in order for them to be ok while I secretly struggled emotionally, mentally, and financially.
I remember losing close friends because I started living outside of their box, outside of their control.
I remember the mask I wore everyday because I was expected to be everything I am not.
I remember squeezing my square ass into that tiny circle as I tried so hard to fit.
I remember getting rid of things that reminded me of pain, of lost dreams.
I remember clearing my closet of things that didn’t make me feel beautiful
I remember throwing out pictures and gifts that came from a sorry place.
I remember letting go of things I loved as a sacrifice for greater.
I remember packing my things and leaving what was familiar.
I remember when I started gathering myself, my name, my character, my quirky ways, my thoughts, my joys, my ME and joy started to come back into my life. It was beautiful. You know how people are so amazed to see a double rainbow? Well that is me. I began to see the beauty in myself again.
I remember putting things in my life that brought me happiness. Going out for cocktails all the time. Taking random trips across the country with people that probably shouldn’t have been in my life.
I remember testing my body to see if something was wrong and friends, nothing was wrong and that was beautiful.
I remember neglecting the church, turning my back on it as it had done me.
I remember embracing peace and solitude as a form of healing.
I remember starting over, and that was such a hard but rewarding place.
Now I explore places I have never been before, breathing in its essence. The sites stimulate my mind and allows me to create.
I talk with people and they know me as the Bougie Black Blogger, we connect for growth, we connect.
On a stage, when I talk and smile, bubbles float out of my mouth making people laugh.
Cicely right? Yes I said, smiling because I have no idea who they are but I feel important.
In my DM’s business deals are made.
New place, new career, new people, new vibes- I can recreate myself, and I have.
I have been so much for so many others. I have given so much of myself only to be left struggling and hurting and no one is around.
I have lost myself but now found myself and vowed to always hang on.
I vowed to myself to love myself even more than ever, more than others love me so that when someone who wants to take my heart as I take their last name, I will know love and be able to accept it.
I vowed to take care of self first so that when others do come I will have enough to give without losing much, without it hurting.
So if you come to me and I say no. If you come to me and I say no. IF YOU COME TO ME AND I SAY NO, it is because, I haven’t deposited enough into self for a withdrawal to be made.
Because I am PRO-ME doesn’t mean I am ANTI-YOU, it just means I need to take care of self before giving too much to the point of depletion.
I asked my friends this:
Growing and Improving
Letting Go of Fear
How would you answer this? Comment below.