What I’ve Learned from My Dead End Relationship
Author: Amanda L. Watkis
June 15, 2017 was the termination of a two year long “situationship” that had run
its course. It didn’t end in the fashion of an explosive argument in the pouring rain,
akin to the climax and falling action of a romance film.
We ended our relationship on agreeable terms, a three-hour long discussion in
Starbucks, parting our separate ways and sitting in my car with my favorite frozen
drink turned lukewarm, too aggrieved to care. I sat in my car and cried for a good
45 minutes before driving home and taking a six-hour long nap, so I could go
unconscious and erase the bad dream called a breakup.
I foresaw it. Our relationship was on shaky grounds since the beginning of 2017.
We were growing apart from each other, and I was too afraid to admit to myself
that I outgrew him. When comparing our goals and ambitions for the future, there
were no comparisons present. We were dead-end, and unfortunately, it was nearly
A dead-end relationship is a prolonged one night stand with both parties over
staying their welcome. There is no purpose or plan to build a life together, just a
string of Netflix and chill dates and infrequent good morning texts.
Watching season 1 of Issa Raye’s Insecure was too close to home. Sitting on the
couch watching Netflix series, while sweeping the elephant in the room under the
I wanted us to work toward something viable at first, but with the progression of
time and his constant inconsistencies, like Issa, I stopped caring. His aint-shitness
became even more evident, and I was tired to the point of not caring. Yet, I cared
enough to not bring up the nagging insecurities that I had about our relationship
because our Netflix subscription automatically renewed itself each month.
The downfall of Issa’s relationship with Lawrence is largely due to the accumulation
of unspoken issues. Sure, at first, she wanted him, but over time she began to
realize that he wasn’t a forever guy. Instead of breaking up with him in the early
stages of their relationship to explore her options, she stuck with him so she
wouldn’t have to deal with being alone.
As women, at some point, we’ve had the fear of spending our late 20’s alone with
27 cats, or being an on-call bridesmaid for our friends’ weddings. Age 30 is the dreadful deadline, and if you don’t have a husband, kids, the dog and the white picket fence, society tells us to sew our legs shut and call it a day.
The pressure is more arduous for Black women because the message of needing to
know how to keep a man is always thrown around. We are expected to “hold it
down” under all circumstances and receive nothing in return. The man in your life
could easily see you as an inconvenience while using you at his convenience. To
thank you, he lets you choose the movie and the position, do you catch my drift?
I spent the past few months watching the Real Housewives of Potomac, and let me
tell you, it isn’t very hard to tell when a woman is dickamatized, because I’ve been
there. Robin and Juan have been divorced for a few years, but they still live in the
same roof, sleep in the same bed and have sex with each other, which completely
defeats the purpose of a divorce. Robin believes that their strange arrangement is
for the purpose of raising her sons with their father present, when that is only what
Juan wants her to believe. Juan is using Robin for sex and a place to lay his head.
However, it doesn’t matter how many interventions her friends try to have with
her, and it does not matter how many women Juan sleeps with when he’s tired of
Robin’s nookie. Robin is in a state of denial, which means no one can predict or
force her breaking point.
You can’t make a home out of a house. You can interpret that however, you see fit,
but if you understand what I just stated in the context of this article, then you get it.
I don’t want to end up like Robin, staying in a pointless relationship with a man
because he was my first everything and the father of my kids.
In times of emotional distress, I binge watch Iyanlya Fix my Life and listen to
Solange’s music on repeat.
Cranes in the Sky is a song that is applicable to all people. This is earth is filled
with billions of people with unresolved issues in their lives, to distract ourselves
from our issues, we become immersed in indulgences because it easier to assuage
our truths rather than confront them.
In the case of a woman in a dead-end relationship, that issue could be abandonment
and the fear of being alone, so we refocus our attention to relationships so we don’t
feel so empty.
It’s the same reason why an alcoholic hates to see an empty glass or bottle, because
his dependency on the toxic agent has him so hooked that when the drinks run dry,
the feeling of emptiness then follows.
Iyanlya asked women who found themselves in dysfunctional relationships the
reasons for them staying: “the person, penis or the promise”. I stayed for all three,
but was disappointed when finding out it only the penis. Of course, somewhere
along the way, I knew that was it positioned before the person and promise, but
hearing it from the person is what hurt the most.
As I move onward, I don’t try to push my pain away into a corner or shoo my
vulnerability. I hav to allow myself to grieve and move forward. I planned a
vacation free of school and work to focus on my mental health and to give myself
time to reflect on the events that have transpired in my life over the past months.
In the meantime, I am working to learn how to enjoy my newfound singlehood.
About the author:
My name is Amanda and I’ve been writing since was a little kid, it’s something that I love doing. I plan on minoring in creative writing. I am 21 years old and still learning how to function as a Black woman in a society that was designed for my benefit.
Want to contact me? Email me here firstname.lastname@example.org